The Matrix of Madness

I am going through a significantly tough time which is more of a self-auditing session with many painful truths and realities.

The self-fabricated world I have been living in has now collapsed and it tells me time to actually be alive. The snapping sensation in the mind, like the crack of an egg, is one hell of a feeling, but yet again I am still wondering what of it.

The biggest problem with me is that I have such pathetic self-confidence. The Asian way, or generally the world's way of a person having much self-confidence is to calculate the merits in life. I guess I don't have many and I blame myself for that. It just seems I couldn't forgive myself at all.

God said to me, as I interpreted, "I'm not going to spoon-feed you anymore. Find your own answers."

I looked through the events in my life and it has really been repeated attempts to solve the problem. I don't trust myself to get through ridiculous situations. I don't trust my heart and mind. It creates a gigantic insecurity and causes me to lose my ability to discern. Everything becomes a cynical affair and I don't think I ever deserve anything good in my life.

It's such a problem, it's tiring.

Maybe God meant; "I DON'T HAVE TO spoon-feed you anymore. You already know the answer."