you think everything you've done is fantastic.

it's the last week of holidays and i'm feeling really really eager for school! the countless days spent rotting at home kills me! it's time my mind got focused! it is really important to get my mind focused, so that i don't get too distracted... ahem.

it's not like i mean that it is a distraction, but i feel at my level i should focus on the more important things. it's better than being paranoid, one of my weaknesses which i quite detest.

i don't want to spend too much time thinking of stuff which i would rather not know... somehow there exists within me an intuition which is kind of sharp, and really, i don't want to rely on such stuff which can only kill me.

but to be honest it sucks to go through that feeling of unacceptance.. or you may call it, rejection. perhaps it's not just relationships that reject me, it's all over me i suppose. at home... it's kind of common.. i seem immune, but maybe it's just becomes a passing and i get over it.

sometimes i just think that being too nice is too wimpy. i feel wimpy. i detest that part. i can't be too nice. it's wrong, it makes me a pushover. i was a pushover. i do not wish to be a pushover anymore. pushovers have no respect, i don't get respect often.

ok.. perhaps i was just too stressed. you'd wonder why i am stressed despite this holiday. WORK isn't the only reason that can keep me so worked up. self-esteem kills me more often each day, but im learning it to channel it to more useful things seriously.

maybe my first step is to be secure with myself, and even be like totally honest with everything around me. i need that.

so, it really means i need to be alone with myself again.

crap, human weaknesses stink. and i thought i was strong enough. ahh.. the thirst for power.