over my head.

I have a problem starting blog posts. I cannot structure what I would want to say and put into a format which seems somehow interesting and ventilating.

But after a while I kind of realised that venting isn't really useful, not in a blog post. Text means nothing to me anyway.

Anyway a little update, but I have been playing street soccer. I need at least a bit of physical activity... NO BELLY PLEASE!!! I sort of forgot about Operation Body Buff, which was like a last year thing but it just suddenly stopped? I seriously consider going back in. Trouble is always going alone. Such an awkward manner, I feel inferior next to those bouncer-like men at the gym, it feels like I'm training with the ladies.

Other things include I have been trying to escape from my home so that I don't actually endure nagging in excess. Tried all avenues, including working. But not everyone is free for outings, considering SP's weird holiday structure.

There are other things happening, such as people disappearing. I would think I've failed, but I refuse to just bow down. Sometimes people give you the "JUST GIVE UP ON ME" sign, but I think I choose my path, thank you very much. A few things I would require is a less distracted mind, and a definite overpowering mature mindset to conquer more importantly myself.

The other things that are being in question would be in the spiritual context, whether I want to do something with my life. Of course I want to, but it's always the problem of moving in to do it. Perhaps I neglected God and maybe depended on my own strength, for maybe about the past year. Own strength amazes me because the limits aren't visible, but no one can tap on it fully without God. Somehow it seems power-hungry, and yes, I'm a bit power-hungry/greedy.

In this world where you're only judged on the surface, it's difficult to survive. I fight this fight every moment of my life, and within myself, because it is a struggle to have ultimate objectivity and whole-picture sighting. I know what I'm capable of, yet I'm not anywhere near achieving it.

I'm angry at what I can do, but am not doing. It's disappointing that sometimes I try to blame the reasons I'm hindered, but I think it's more important to look front.

Putting despise behind me, and hope in front.