Chaos brought forth a new beginning.

Oh my, oh my.

2007.

Yes, it's the time of the year that I'm making the year's appraisal. Every year deserves its rating. I look back and think of fun only. That creates a more positive aspect of life.

Alas, no. Not for 2007. The piece-of-crap year. Generally it was not smooth at all, with so much stuff that happened, and I find myself being sling-shot to great heights.

Not that I blame it. At the end of 2006 I asked for God to make me grow. 2006 was relatively a not-so-special year, as compared to 2007, a smoother ride, indeed. 2006 created avenues for growth into 2007.

2007 is kind of special too, in the way that it has ironically put me closer to people yet drawn me away from them. With the Christmas season, I realised that the people care when you don't expect them to. I saw a selfish, arrogant side of me, who thought I could handle emotions well, only to let a deeply bitter anger reside within me and cause great amounts of trouble.

Perhaps I didn't lose anything, other than myself. I'm quite the empty vessel, making a lot of noise as normal. But empty inside, still. How changed have I been! God asks for a greater side of things, and perhaps wants me to accomplish more than whatever I can.

I fought my own poisons. Which I still struggle with now, anyway, because I sense that perhaps I have a certain stubbornness and unwillingness to let this side of me to be fully transformed. It's an enigma, because humanity is weird, letting problems go as they are even though they know it has to be dealt with. This is stubbornness in the eyes of God, so I suppose I can't let myself go overboard.

I think perhaps 2007 gave me a lot of perspectives to look at things. I grow tired of being treated for stupid, for second fiddle, etc. It's okay, maybe people are right, but you know what, it's not as if I'm not changing. As long as they see this, then maybe I can be much at peace. But I'm not measured to the standards of clowns in this world. To whom my confidence is in, it is in an absolute, fool-proof, security, which is in God.

Now this isn't about being religious. I am not being offensive. I speak from a personal experience, and although it still gets skepticisms from too many people, I just feel it's time I also care less about what people really think of me. Being treated for stupid and all is just very Eugene Lim, and if that's the way people want to see me as, I suppose I can contribute some effort in changing, but I won't let this sort over-affect me.

On the emotions game, yes, it's always a losing battle unless I snap out of stubbornness. I must continue to be resilient in my stand, and not be too shaken at close range. Buckling under pressure would be my weakness.

It's a good year, and God has shown me time and time again He is ever-patient. I am indeed thankful for the academic side too, for putting me to enjoy the year's work, to put me in a good internship company (that "allows" me to blog at work).

On football, Liverpool FC would always be my favourite, despite their inconsistency and underperformance. Football Manager has made me enjoy success with them virtually, rather than reality. I still cheer for Liverpool and will always wish for Man Utd to one day be caught for match-fixing and be relegated to League One ( Juventus comes to mind)

As 2008 will be a military year for me, it will be a greater test, to see if I'm not overly changed by the crazy mind-twisting our dear military forces do unto men. Then again, I'm hoping my back does me a favour and not put me through a boring military.

Thank you all, thank you God, for a wonderful 2007.

Let's rock towards 2008 and smash it with joyous fun!

Playing Second Fiddle is Nothing.

Perhaps one of the greatest things I have learned this year, and maybe still struggle with, is the lesson of expectation.

I expect this, I expect that. It's such a prickly feel to everyone, ain't it now?

I thought expectations are allowed to exist because there is trust and faith in people, therefore expecting something from them, given both are in possibly right frame of minds, is alright.

How wrong I have been.

Truly, I have to learn to be completely expectation-less. Maybe that's where humility can set in, because you do not have some warped form of authority. I suppose I can draw up some model over this, but it's not worth it, because it leads to my second point.

I should start considering myself too smart to the point I'm seen as stupid, because I suppose there is a lightweight in things I say, or the presence I bear. This is an expectation error, because I might have thought too highly of myself.

How foolish of me.

Maybe I'm just tired of things, since this year has been awfully crazy. But I doubt I want to pull my plug out any time now, yet I do not enjoy this feeling. It links back to the old problem of people comparing this and comparing that. I suppose I will not let anger get the better of me, therefore I should find a more useful solution, perhaps starting with indifference, and then changing to security in other reliable sectors.

Do I blame the world for its stupidity? Not really. I did blame myself for allowing myself to fall too ridiculously. Solutions tried? Definitely, the conventional "I'm not going to mess up any more or less!" has failed already due to its effects being ultimately short-term. Answer has to lie inside the crazy head of mine.

I cannot expect things to go my way, can I?

Ridiculous arrogance and pride.

Cute.

Happy Birthday to ME!

I give my life to God who has real control, unlike my attempts.