i wanted to write a song, but you know what, forget it... i can't. i don't know how to structure my words proper to even put it out to a song.
i'm just in a SIANNED mode... i don't even know what is going on actually. it's all about strings in my life that connect to the several matters i think of.
there is family... (FAMILIA)
there are the friends... (AMIGOS)
there are the stuff to do about in church... (IGLESIA)
there is most importantly God. (DIOS)
there are obviously bigger problems, but heck, they can be push down because these 4 are the biggest things that are happening in my life. i am going to share a bit of details about it.. i don't want to label it too much.. not my custom, because i don't want to raise any problem that i have to deal with, it just adds more oil to the fire... or BATU API, as farid calls it.
you can read the sections you want individually... just Ctrl+F the spanish word for the section. this is a very long post... as if it's an FAQ.
--- 1. Familia~
my family is one confusing thing. all of them are kind of making me feel very lost. i don't expect myself that much anymore... there is a limit to what i can do also. but the problems, or limitations, would be almost all of them.
Father is a confusing person... being quiet in nature, he himself has already expressed his needs to be acknowledged... the kids have seen it through his sms on christmas stating he feels like everyone only comes to him for money. that is NOT TRUE of course. but we ourselves don't know how to react... he comes across as a quiet person.. it's not easy on our part to talk to him as well.. we are busy with our lives and all that. me, i'm trying on my part. not easy, but try-able. i don't ever find myself watching wrestling again, or even soccer for a start. i just sit and try. but it's not good enough. i know he wants something else.. yet again he would be hard-ass on this because he feels he needs to have the authority as the O-TO san in the house.
let's face it, this pride thing, gets on my nerves. honestly, i think we are old enough already, so it could be okay to just mingle around us as adults. my siblings are great, we don't cheat our family and all that. we love each other, though never really showing it and die-die won't say it.. culture. but obviously we want to care also... i'm just looking for a channel to break those barriers. he is rather calculative... i don't know why is there a need to.. he and O-KA san just like to do it. i hate it when they do that... reminds me of the umbrella incident... and i'm really glad i remained calm.. it was really an act of God. but again, these could be a family thing EVERYONE ELSE faces... we should just hold a committee and just decide how. i'm dying to hear the parents' side too.
O-KA san is good... she is most probably the most communicable person in this household.. she really works hard.. most probably the one who gets to talk to everyone in the household because she sees them flow in and out. hard on her.. i want to do something about it. haha, i have been quite an ass, especially about going dinner late.. but to be honest, over the years, i have seriously improved... maybe temper wise also improved as well.
the parents are great, but what could be better is to understand their needs. Father provides so much for us, just grumbles. i am not expecting him to be perfect, but i think it's better we adjust for the better of each other. one day, i promise to bring them to church. will pray about it.
the sisters.. are just clashing. though blood-related... they ain't close. fellow christians, indeed. Shirley is good, maybe she just needs to understand our parents better... be patient. i feel her position, it really sucks to be like her situation sometimes. i have managed to successfully put away anything that could block me from talking to her as a human, and she really is caring... just hard on the communication part. slowly, maybe God could work together with us on our parents as well. Janice ain't around, but i think we couldn't depend on her like that. yes, maybe without her, this house is quieter, we all do our own stuff, i'm alone in this room for almost everyday after i come home, but we got to do it on our own, as the christians of the house, to live the testimony out to them.
Diana, i'm really sad when it comes to her, because she naturally blocks me out as the younger sibling. ever since she left, i know how it feels to have lost her somehow. i trust God will bring her back, so the rest of the complaints... they are fully optional. but i don't need them. it's just sad when people ask how she is, and i don't know how to explain to them. i remember when she told me that if she were to leave, i had to stop her. i couldn't. but this is all called OWN STRENGTH. only God can do it.
--- 2. Amigos
it is amazing, because no one has ever truly been a friend that really knows my depth that well. i myself.. don't know myself good. i am such a confused person. the closest people that could perhaps see the trends or patterns within me, would be Jos and Pastor Geoff. They know the new me better. those not mentioned, you guys know me, but they just know better than anyone else.
but it's not about me, it's about all the amigos around me.
i have come to acknowledge how human i am, with sociological needs and all that. Maslow is right. i know i am a social person, and i cannot be alone. but sometimes, this loneliness is what i get due to the insufficiency in perhaps empathy of what i REALLY FEEL. because i'm so confused myself, i don't know how to label what i'm feeling. and i most probably give a vague description for it.
but i have learnt to expect nothing from anyone. expectations to me are like responsibilities a person has. i don't expect anything from anyone, because it's not their responsibility to know me. any help a person gives to me, it comes across as a prize, or award. i don't expect it. in the same way i don't expect God to do anything. this part is because i want to trust Him in His decisions. He is in control, i know it, so more or less i can't say i didn't expect anything, because He works in ways we won't know.
it sucks to know your friend is going through a shitty moment, and seriously you want to do something to correct him and help him around, but sometimes, i'm learning i can't do it alone without God. or least to say i don't think i'm cut out for this sort of stuff, because i may not understand the situation good enough to help. sometimes i don't even have to help, but when i help, that's wrong. it may be good to give some extra help, but in the situations around me, no that's not the way it works.
as for the infamous emotions part, there is nothing i want to do about it, because it is FUCKING irritating. i have not typed this word while blogging for a long time, this is the last. i don't want to care about it because this is the one that hinders me the most. it is so STUPID! maybe it's because i can't be bothered to go and work so hard for an empty shell. and text just doesn't work out for me... if it did, it would have already right?
don't care about who i like... i mean, why do people care? it's nothing! i don't care too. i don't want to care as well. because it's not helping me and it's useless. there are bigger battles to fight in my life. these things piss me off this bad because it has affected great friendships. i don't like to screw up because of it. sometimes, i admit, it's great to be with someone you like, especially if it's a good friend of the opposite gender, but it's tragic when it happens to be ME screwing up almost, well not almost, ALL THE TIME. i hate that feeling, it sucks, i would try my best to avoid it, no promises because i'm not good at promising such things.
if you guys want to know, i don't like anyone right now. i'm denying any of the possibilities because i know i have to. the part about denying is important, because people like me are susceptible. sometimes i wish i can do something about it. it's great to have someone like back, but hell, i don't think it's ever happening when i'm so young. oh well. just move on i suppose.
--- 3. Iglesia and Dios
what about Sat@7, you ask? it's great. i see it as the re-equipping session... a back-to-basics session on how to bring people to know God. i've learnt; it's not about people coming to church... the most important thing is for people to even accept God into their lives.
it's true, we aren't informed enough by the church about what it is to us who have been there long. but what's it to us, shouldn't we just trust God? hush, and just listen to what God will say through this service.
me, i want to be humble. just quieten down and just listen to what the service has to offer. Pastor Geoff has explained this is the promise of revival. i come to terms with it, so i just go out and work with God to win souls to Him. that should be our main purpose... it has always been our main purpose since we chose to follow Him.
because of things around me, it's more of me and God and church. that is how i see the parties involved. church is one party. but the more important thing is between me and God. but church is still important.
God has become very real in my life already. i can't escape it. maybe it's the holidays. is this hyperspirituality? perhaps. but i won't eat sleep or breathe God in what i do. even Pastor David doesn't do this. haha. i'm human! but nevertheless, it's the relationship between God and i, and this is something i need to handle slowly with Him.
---
conclusion statement... this is just an expression of myself... maybe you guys know me better by now, hey! haha. but like i said, i don't expect anything from anyone, because this is an expression.
this sounds like quite a long post. yes it is. but it's tiring.. an hour typing it. but it's good, at least i have vented out my mind a bit. i'm feeling better. thanks people. i'm out of here.
