Monday, October 23, 2006

The dreams' transition

I'm over at Junwei's place right now, and I'm working as the INFO tomorrow at Sentosa. Hari Raya means an increased pay to $7.80 per hour... $2 more than the normal. I'm going to need the money... Tithing, new threads for presentation and jacket. With Vivocity opened, there are really a lot of shops in a single place... Easier to shop. I'm going to spend about $250 on a blazer and pants from G2000... It's very expensive but I don't have a choice. Luckily my parents have already given the green light to purchasing it... I think zapping $250 is kind of heartaching.

There's a lot of school work that needs to be done. Stacking up like books... This is school work... School work is in computers... Damn I'm feeling the heat. All modules added together is not fun at all.

"Think until your head explode ar!"

Really? I doubt so. This post was just for fun... But there isn't really a thing to do now... DVD player has gone against us.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Stop thinking in the box.

It's a more important issue... But unfortunately there are complications. I perhaps try too hard pointlessly at being complicated whilst being a simple person.

I kind of understand how it feels when you get hit by obstacles, literal or not. You go "OW! It hurts!", then there is a decision you make afterwards. Depending on how loud the "OW!" was, it determines how much you move.

In mental and emotional contexts, my "OW!" has been quite loud. Natural, you'd say, considering I'm naturally quite a complainer... Hypocritical to the fact I dislike the fact of complainers who do nothing. As the complainer, I stay there and sort of "try" to do something about the pain, but the thing is I don't have to because it can just heal on its own. As if really doing something would guarantee help, because the more I try the more pain I feel, and that sort of thing usually pulls me down worse.

In these situations of "smart-aleck", it kinds of tells me to just f'ing relax and just not try to take it on myself too much. Thinking back, most of the things I sort of went through had my own participation in it. It wouldn't seem right to use the word "pain" because I would think it's such a subjective matter. Personally, it could have been an excuse that I would use to furthermore hate, or deny the past of my life.

How much is that helping me anyway? Denying the past or even hating it... Am I actually acknowledging that the current me is so much better? What a prideful act, I would think. I can't get any more proud.

In fact, what is motivating me to be better and sort of stronger? If I actually work it out just for the sake of "face", I'm not too far from being pathetic. Comparisons to a superior? I thought of it once, but told myself it couldn't be, because I know I'm different. Sadly sometimes the chants in my mind continue to ask "then why aren't you accepted?" Lies, I told myself continuously. Believing in these lies don't make anything better, but the fact that these lies can appear in my mind may mean the insecurity.

On other times I curse the world for being the bitch blocking me. But that's kind of stupid too, blaming everyone else for something I failed in. Doesn't work huh?

Should things be unnatural within me, that means I'm crazier than the normal state. Solutions are better to focus on then problems. Sulking, is it? Yes, like a child. But I know I'm no child. I'm 18.

Well that concludes one severed school of thought. Confused guy, I'd think of myself. There's a lot of confusion in me that it's more important than anger, disappointment and other crap. Maybe being naive ignorant was a gift, and I'd always thought it otherwise.

Monday, October 16, 2006

it becomes normal if everyone else does it.



These pictures are from the Sec2Dudes outing the other day. We started out with a little dinner at Pizza Hut... Apparently Breeks would be too overbudgeted. Oh well, it's not too bad.



The only girls that went; Lela, Nadiah and Sophia.



Us guys. Don't ask what the hell I was doing. I don't even know. We just went wild like psychos. From left, Winston, Azril, Keongie, Bobby, Me, Freddie, Liang Jie, Terry.



I swear I pose real bad for pictures. Bah, I never liked frontal shots of myself anyway. You see Bobby doing the Fernando Torres pose... Signature. Shit hasn't changed from the past... haha.



And I decided to join them on the return trip home, on bus 302. Argh I don't like my lousy posing.

Everyone's changing... But maybe I didn't. Nadiah said: "Eugene... You.. You.. You are the same!" Well, yea. What can I say?

That's all from the Sec2Dudes outing. I look forward to the next few outings with them, hopefully there are more people next round! And maybe I should get a separate outing with the primary school people as well.



A photo from last Friday's outing after Yin's birthday dinner. I'd like to call this "Social Suicide, Reel and Real." Bob was supposed to just POSE for the picture in front of House of Condom, but here's this Caucasian dude that's really staring at whatever crap there is for display. People walk past looking at them. Crazy, eh? There you have it, social suicide.



And... My spectacles broke this morning. I'm wondering why it decided to fail me today. I'm wearing the "corporate imagery" pair of spectacles, allegedly my main pair but became the secondary one. Can't don this pair on, looks really weird! But the cost of having a new pair is insane, because my lens are freaking thick due to its high degrees... Oh well, I can try my best.

In any case, that's about all that's been happening. There's the Storyfest audition tomorrow, I can't really play the song yet, because my fingers freaking hurt when I play the guitar... They've lost touch to what they were originally exposed to, now they are comfortable with thick bass strings.

There's no fellowship next Saturday due to Deepavali. But there is still Sat@7 though, and I'm playing. Joshua's returning on that day at 1655 hours at Terminal 2, SQ803. I can't go pick him up though; I have practice around that time.

Oh well, my phone's been quiet. I've been quieter than normal I suppose, all over me.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

By the minutes.

It's 9am, and I'm blogging from SP BizIT Library... I came early for morning prayer meet, but Pastor Geoffrey didn't come. I guess it's more of a taste of my own medicine, of the countless times he just had to sit there and wait while I never showed up.

I'm going to work later at Sentosa Sky Tower... Haven't worked there for two weeks, and I'm training Rachel, again. Hopefully I do not lose my momentum, because I did not work enough, I forget how it feels once in a while. Rosmini is doing INFO today! At least she ain't S4, if not I would leave the Sky Tower at 9.30pm already.

I'm trying not to blog about the usual stuff, because it is becoming an aimless form of ranting that is not beneficial in any way. It just seems as a repeating of the same old crap... Sometimes I should just keep quiet, and not think so much. It's really about letting God speak to me, and not me talking ALL the time. I'd give you an example Jos gave:

Me: GOD! WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY LIFE?!
God: Well, I think...
Me: AHHHHHH! WHAT'S GOING ON THIS TIME?!
God: You got to let Me...
Me: AHHHHH! *continues some unnecessary screaming*

See what I'm talking about? When am I going to just shut up and do the listening? It's pride to think that I'm in control and therefore talk the most. In fact, "I" was most commonly used in the past, where everything really seemed to be all about myself. I thought I had an agreement to stop this selfishness! In addition, I should also include that I should remember I'm only 17 years and 10 months and 9 days old... I should not try too hard and behave like a 23 year old man. Boy to man, what's it like anyway...

After having a talk with Di, I don't really know how to react any more. I just fear the apocalypse in a person's life; the same apocalypse that happened in hers and caused the massive egos to develop and therefore abandon where we were originally made from. Some people may not understand, but for those who do, you know what I mean right. It's just so tragic. But after all the "setbacks" I have been struck with, I come to realise that nothing is tragic at all. There is somehow a need to not care so much sometimes... It's not about the returns, although it was a big problem for me back then, when whatever I did really went nowhere. But thinking back, is it really worth to be matched up against anything? I think I deserve better. Surely, it is not right to be compared against the standards of the world. The truth is in other stuff, but definitely not my own standards.

In any case, it's kind of late, and I should really get going now. A crack in the head would do me real good, and once again, I should snap back to youth and not try to be an adult.

Humbly, slap me.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

the sulking ain't gonna do shit.

After a long and tiring day, I'm rewarded with tomorrow starting at 2pm with just AM tutorial. Most classes are cancelled due to meetings with the external examiner, which is good and bad for us, depending on whether the lecturers would be harsh on us when it's all over with the massive make-up classes, which could make a week seem more hell than ever.

I just came home from a meet with the secondary school dudes. It was a fun gathering, meeting up and reminiscencing. I needed to get away from stuff anyway, it was pretty fun. Photos would be uploaded at a later time, when I get them from the photographers... Mainly everyone except me.

I feel awfully tired, mentally, physically, emotionally and maybe spiritually. I sulk too much. It's so pathetic; when will I stop screaming and just let God talk to my heart? How long should I continue to despair, while I lose any form of stability? I wouldn't press the STOP button on myself even if I really felt like. My will has always taken control somehow, like a third party. I suppose that's a neutral move, showing that I somehow has no control over my mind. The fishing around of my thoughts prove that I'm not stable at all. I can't push myself to be over my limit, but I would really want to know what is my limit, so that I can at least have some controls over myself.

Maybe one day I would really become schizophrenic because of such unhealthy thoughts. I have to snap out of it quick.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

evolution is a mystery, one change and you will see.

I was going through several MSN nicknames, blog entries, my own archives, and I kind of see some form of evolution here. How tainted our English language has become! It becomes a sad tragedy and of course, a hilarious one as well. I'm not showing off my style or anything, just that for me, it's time to refine the language.

We see blogging becoming so conversational. You should see how people type nowadays... It has become really disturbing. Abbreviations are easier for understanding, though sometimes it can get pathetically out of hand. The worse are those who really abbreviate 99% of a sentence through SMS language. We can't be THAT DESPERATE to save SMS space right? Eg. wt tym cn u cm ltr 4 e mtg?

And word replacement is an even worse... THING. Common word replacements:

COME= CUM

Self-explanatory. Kind of weird isn't it? One SMS I received was this:

"i at shell now. with [someone's name]. cumming."

that was definitely weird. hmm.

We see words evolve incredibly. You to U to u to eu to (X)eu(X) where X is a number of E's or U's you want to type. Darling to dar to darh to darhdarh BLAHBLAHBLAH. This romance thing is getting kind of mushy and damaged.

Typing styles, damaged because of grammatical mistakes. Don't ever do caps small... What I mean is HeLlO cRapPie pPl iSn'T it CuTe 2 SEe wAt I tYpInG wOrX?

By the way, what the hell is WorX?

I admit, for myself, I used a lot of abbreviations in what I converse, via MSN or SMS. I seem to have a fond liking for the spelling of what to be wad. The other common ones are like tmr for tomorrow and the occasional u for you. Seriously, I have had occasions in writing essays where I really write wad for what. it just proves the damage it can do. I just hope students don't actually start writing "'eu cheated mi!' he said."

Well, today marks a day where I'm bored and I happen to be attacking the evolved Singlish. Spare me, I wanted to scold something, and subjects like this cheer me up also when I attack them.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

as the tune goes by me.

It has been a funny day. Not haha funny, but it's just weird.

When you kind of experience a swingy mood, this usually happens. Maybe it's just the flu that has gotten to me. I woke up this morning with an irritating flu, something I have not had for awhile. Adding to the two ulcers I have, it's not really manageable. Concentration was affected so bad and I could not take it at all, so I came back home to sleep and rest.

I was only expecting to sleep two hours, but ended up sleeping three. That extra hour sorts of makes a difference, because I don't usually sleep more than two, and if that happens, it means the previous night was a tired night.

I returned back to school to witness the ICM presentation the seniors are having. I thought Mr. Loh had it planned for us to maybe witness and understand the structure of the programme, and perhaps suggest on the camera positioning and all that. But it was not to be, as Mr. Loh had already drawn out the plan for the camera placings.

It's like overtime, and so I decided not to stay long, and left after the first run. Went for dinner with Farid, and we kind of shared about ourselves, knowing each other better. I learnt quite a bit just by talking, and it would set me off thinking (again). That kind of concludes my day, you wouldn't think of it as funny, but it just didn't flow in a way I thought would normally go. I don't know why, but there are so many things on my mind right now, I'm taking them and analysing one step at a time. But this time, I wouldn't dream of using my own understanding, it's just not enough. Guess this is what they call research.

I kind of can't make up my mind. When I claim that others are not completing their sentences and not finishing what they are saying, it's almost the same for me, except it's in my head. Two things at the same time, obviously I can't manage, so it is like, what am I thinking?

Strangely, I couldn't find out myself.

It's a tiring day.

Monday, October 02, 2006

hush.

i have a long week ahead.

because of school, i'm disabled for work. have to stay and do filming for the ICM presentation to the clients, so therefore it means overtime for the VIDEO CLUB.

i'm okay with it, just maybe thinking it could really consume some energy here... monday will end quite late, and wednesday as well. considering that tuesday becomes the only rest day, because thursday is BS, and friday is daniel's birthday party.

i'm beginning to feel tuesday is going to be busy as well.

next monday, i get to meet up with secondary school dudes... the lower sec friends who are well, more sane. i look forward.

---

ANGELS OR DEVILS by DISHWALLA

This is the last time
That I'm ever gonna come here tonight
This is the last time I will fall
Into a place that fails us all inside

And I can see the pain in you
And I can see the love in you
And fighting all the demons will take time
Will take time

The angels they burn inside for us
And are we ever
Are we ever gonna learn to fly
The devils they burn inside of us
And are we ever gonna come back down
Come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

This is the last time
That I'm ever gonna give in tonight
Are there angels or devils crawling here?
I just want to know what blurs and what is clear to see

Well I can see the pain in you
And I can see the love in you
And fighting all the demons will take time
It will take time

The angels they burn inside for us
And are we ever
Are we ever gonna learn to fly
The devils they burn inside of us
And are we ever gonna come back down, come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could break us

And if I were to give in
I'd give it up and then
Take a breath, make it deep
'Cause it might be the last one you get
Be the last one that could make us cold
Could make us cold
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

---

it doesn't mean end of the world. it just means spend more time alone first.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

you had a bad day... and everyone should stay away.

today's a bad day, and i have to apologize to some people.

sorry jazlyn, for making you wait aimlessly, that i forgot my wallet and you went to church alone instead.

sorry clara, i'm just crazy.

sorry peihao, for wrong directions... making you reach home late. maybe you don't read this, but yea, sorry.

sorry for anyone else i might have offended and still don't know about it. sorry.