that's the time i fall in love again.

no.

that's the song from sugar ray.. when it's over.

nah. cos.. EXAMS have finished! IPRA was a blast. God was with me la. i couldnt have absorbed two days just before the exam in all good mode. i really studied.

ok. i sound kinda like the sort who will rmb God for this sort of things. but nah. i tink its part of His plan. judging from my personality, you think that studies are the most impt thing in my mind to ever thank God for?

i got definitely more important things than that.

nah. im not noble enuff. im not that bad either. haha. im indeed a prideful shit. take care of my pride man. i wanna humble myself.. for the most humble is the most blessed. ok kinda hard terms to work out with God upon for a person.

in any case im freed! now its time to earn money and get a new phone.. clear tithe.. etc. wants creation.. ACQUISITIVENESS!

haha. and this is also the worse time to be now. cos im free. for those who know me, know what it means.

btw year 2 calendar is normal.. but it has freaking long holidays! ok its neutral. and btw i can go church camp. that's gonna rock.

~and that's the time i fall in love again...~

overload!!!

ok. uploaded my mind with 11 chapters of IPRA.

abit shack. and got scared to continue.. considering i looked at the exam pp blankly and tried very hard to search within my mind. shall not push it too much

tmr. final pp! lets finish this quick.

i m amazed at how much i have studied.. 7 hours! ok doesnt seem much to u all.. but its a breakthrough for me k! haha.

ok. with this sort of intake.. i'd better get a B for it. it does seem too much.. but i hope i can scrape it. B.. come on.. B! support econs' score!

God.. take my life and use it.. make my life not as mine, but as a vessel of Yours.

im all tired. gonna sleep soon.

fuck this, fuck that: prejudice.

it's all a fucked up world we live in. or it may be just me. it may not be prejudice. it may be just the flow of events that do not accept me. how low can my self-esteem go? you ask. situations that i am in, gets different treatment.

it happens fucking everywhere. it pisses me off, irritates me, and makes me question what the hell is there the need for. different treatment may not mean prejudice if the reasoning is logic, and usually.. those reasoning is fucked.

im clearing my own path and being impartial. i dun need the shit in front of me to pile.

im not cursing the people, but the system the ppl go by, which is to me a FUCKING PIECE OF RUBBISH. that is why even i'm quitting it. there is no nobility, but only the shit i get.

do i try too hard to impress? i thought so in the past. i dun wanna care abt that anymore. fuck. be myself is all i need.

am i really that stupid to not understand? or is it ppl dun fucking see that i'm trying huh? and these ppl aren't really helping out, so lemme point out the other issue.. they aren't understanding me either. but i'm not complaining if they aren't dammit.

enuff irritation. i promised this world that it will fucking crush and burn, it will get it when it comes. fucking hell.

cold, empty.. void.

its such a boring place around here -.-

yawning again like mad. shall sleep soon.

i was just reflecting on the time i've spent in church over the years.. kinda long hor.. since 2001.

surely things changed, i changed. a lot of shit happened.. i've seen ppl come and go.. ranging from distant to close ppl; me and my own shit.. i dunno man.. ppl may feel i haven gone thru worse scenarios.. but trust me.. its enuff.. at least i know im not a kid.

i hate being treated like one. cos i know the way im being trained.. im not supposed to be one. ppl in life just seem to find excuses to prove themselves right even in the wrongest situations.. has pride really damaged your sensibility?

well. its a colder world out here than we think it is. leaving a church really solves no shit.. given all the possibilities. i dunno. i cant promise that i wont leave too. those who did already left. it may seem like a sickeningly vicious cycle. i wan to make myself never have that stupid pride issue in me. i wanna make my life look something useful to God even.

breaking free is never easy..it is not light on my shoulders. i dunno how heavy it may be on others but it sure sucks on me

the best companion.. has been proven.. is still God. yup. i tried all sorts of things. the best humanoid form will be my good guy frens in church man. although i know they are there.. im sure there are limits to how much we can support each other. God is all powerful.. so He solves all problems.. im kinda ashamed that He has to step in, but we know that we cant do without Him.

i tried other shit. such as a female companion. doesnt work now. maybe next time. ppl like MOMO-san are really insensitive.. who doesnt know damage she caused. oh please dun tell me i nv tried her point of view. i did, but its time she tried mine. its not a selfish thing. its a "LET'S FACE IT" sort of scenario when its kind of dumb whos worse off.

its tiring. im still learning to break free. it haunts me. but i dun relaly wanna care. although this "pulling the plug" mentality will worsen my condtion.. its best to slow things down.. not too slowly. but quickly eliminate the situation. shes nt the problem. i guess its just my mind..

haha.. MOMO-san. happy advanced birthday.

sleep on needles.

oh gosh.. im falling asleep..

why.. i must study ipra!! ok la.. got complete the notes.. shall study as i travel. study notes..

best chance is on ipra.. ipra please do well.. after tt i cna work, get a new hp. do other stuff too.. save money.. tithe.. save for some other stuff.. arghh im tired..

i m looking the screen after typing one sentence and doing corrections as i go.. very small la.. i abit used to the keyboard already...

no!! must read ipra.. i dun feel like sleeping if i nv read on it before..

argh.. this is just such a random blogging session..

i wan a high gpa...

my feelings are more important than yours.

longer post ahead.. stuff to blog abt la.. bored mah.

wow. econs is over.

ok. if God is willing, i will pass. lets not talk abt C la. i dun suppose i can get considering the LOUSY definitions. if worse case.. which i dunno... i dun wanna talk abt it.

ok.. been planning to buy a guitar.. but acoustic or electric? electric sure gonna cost about $600.. as in the whole thing.. my estimate is like a $350++ guitar.. den amp gonna cost $200++.. ex la, but u need good stuff wad. can last. better than lousy shit.

on other hand.. acoustic.. i got a very good deal.. MAESTRO.. local brand. its really impressive.. $300 full acoustic. its very warm sound.. nice to press.. guy will restring free.. got free first time setup thingy.. wow.. good lor.(doesnt sell bag.. so plus bag maybe.. $320?) but i wondering wif acoustic play wad sia. i need a lot of songs to play wif an acoustic.. jos reckons tt the maestro one will QIE everybody's guitar in church.. including kel's RED guitar and eddie's SEMI-ACOUSTIC guitar.

another plan is i go drums la. two plans on this: one is i go yamaha school.. but they teach dman alot of theory la! mafan like hell. but that shld be easier. i tink ex sia. second plan is to do private.. but private need own drum set.. who the hell have drums in HDB flat! wanna get complained!?!!

abit overstressed. gonna start IPRA quick. cos its the one to get A! yes GPA 2.5 is possible! GENE MAKES IT POSSIBLE IF HE TRIED. hahah wad rubbish. yes. im typing crap now.

i need new games. how many times have i completed NFS:MW!? how many cars do i have?! ninja gaiden black left..(hard mode.. is REALLY hard). SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG(complete a lot of times also.. besides these games same one)...

oh i want to study. zzz

btw i saw a MOMO look-alike today. behind look exactly.. same tan.. same pink obsession(schoolbag hairband).. IJ uniform. wow. kinda reminds me how cute she was. OH COME ON GET OVER IT. there are hundreds of ppl like tt.

sorry la!! i still no selfesteem mah! this sort of scenario. im not like my dudes u know. ppl calling them cute or handsome. haha. (but selfesteem already damaged. if ever someone called me that i will be like huh?) but then.. next time i see MOMO.. i will just sian. i dun tink of revenging. dumb la. in any case.. i can only.. WISH HER ALL THE BEST IN HER FUTURE ENDEAVORS.

ergh. im warning myself. stay focused the way i am. or im gonna lose it again. stay focused. 3 choices.. stay focused...; SNAP...; fall into the trap again, end up in scenario. preferably.. i like choice 1 best. 2 means stupid-er eugene. 3 means.. stupid-est eugene. hmm.

ridiculed for nothing.

why am i so unproductive.

i wan an electric guitar. speaking of music.. i went to the innova gig on friday. it is not bad.. except.. i feel so sleepy thruout. wanna guess why? hint: theme was Love Under The Stars.

my gawd. if it was Metallic Clashing, i would have went high.. i mean, where is the MOSH!! where are the incredibly slashing SOLOs!! its good that edmund's mum paid for our entry. though i feel a bit cheated when i realised they wanted to play COLLIDE. i wanted to faint. yea yea.. its a freaking valentine-themed one. edmund's one was good though. i mean, for a category i didnt like, they played not bad, sang not bad too. a term for edmund like ACOUSTIC GUITARIST doesnt seem very nice. i was tinking ACOUSTIC RHYTHMIST sounds nicer.

some of them were like.. OHH.. please stop singing. if u cant, we can do without.

IN OTHER NEWS...

i feel unproductive in ECONS. oh God spare me some grace and mercy, will i be able to scrape it thru again, depends on you. BUT i wan to og to a university la. argh. haiz. i have complete trust in Your Plan.

anyway nobody tags my board. i feel this blog is so dead.

there isnt much for me to write. but except this can be a channel to train my typing, my english(although doesnt help much).. etc.

i sorted out my room. soon i will be able to study. if i get a C grade for econs, i will treat lunch!(von! PEPPER LUNCH also can!) and to be fair, i will study as hard as i can. haha

i wan to be disciplined. train myself.

oh. i just realised IPRA exam is on someone's bday(28/2). hehz. tragic memory again. haha but i tink the others rite. i handled this well. and i shall continue to handle well too. dun believe in bad blood or vengeance or just pure condemnation.. i tink i already forgave her when i didnt block her. long time back. i wonder why im not like angry, hate her tt sort, suppose to be brutally hurt.. but im still cool, pulling off just fine. i dun tink i got the right to be angry. bcos i fell into the trap myself. i was the fool. her fault is as big as mine's.

I SHOULD BLOODY STOP REMINSCENCING. these ppl somehow dun deserve a chance. but a policy i live by is.. NEVER HATE SOMETHING YOU ONCE LOVED. i dunno why. it just seems like hating is all wrong anyway.

self-esteem remains scarred. but i wna to channel it to something better. i have lived the wrong principle. no one ever liked(that sort of like) me before. she doesnt count.

but it don't matter. its a wrong principle, and i wan to change it. i shld bloody live the way i wan.

(:

Mad TV parody of Justin Timberlake's Like I Love You.

Freaking hilarious! JACKO WACKO!

plastic memory: beautiful monster.

a VERY weird feeling in me.

nope, not empty. blank.

its not the same! i cannot stress on it. but many things are knocking on my mental door. i dunno where to begin though. there is a very huge block stressing me out.

first things, gpa. where will 2.5 appear! Argh! GOD, i plead for Ur Grace! argh! its making swear and swear. damn econs! change me into a better person! i wan to even score well!

i have so many things on my mind that require hellish discipline!

everything in me is self destructing!

ok. how am i to settle all this! i cant really think straight. im feeling kinda lost.
i cant cheer myself up. wadever im doing, be it gaming or studies, aint working out right.

something is missing(not SOMEBODY. SOMETHING.) need to find it real quick. its crumbling. hoepfully self-esteem can go up as well.

don't cry

wanted to show this for a long time. one of my favourite songs from G&R.

sayonara itoshii no kimi.

awfully tired. raced for a few hours already. keeps getting better in me. driving.

but worse off is econs. argh. i need the help. grace of God, will you spare me some more?

finally done wif WP. left with drama. shldn't be too hard now. in any case im just awfully tired. btw..

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! wow. that didnt sound real enuff.
it must be just me. i never went through february smoothly. hey at least im better off now rite. haha. so tmr is just another ordinary day. supersonic! great sleeping day. i would be staying home because i dun wanna feel sian when i look at couples. kinda reminder to me. basket, its almost like a taunt at me. but it aint their fault, its couples' day. so leave them be. i shall.. just wait my time. haha

---
Goodbye My Lover by James Blunt

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.(x2)

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.(x2)

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.(x2)

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.(x2)

----
So f**king bullshit. the only way to get thru bad patches is to survive it and dun look back. well, its over and done, im to get over it.

to be given false hope is not nice at all. NOT AT ALL. in fact, false hope is the crime.

SAVED

ok thanks to ed phon for suggesting great help

SYSTEM RESTORE TOOL

the best time machine tool for computers. restores them back to the state they orignally were

hopefully, it doest return to haunt me

moral of story: crap the stupid crack sites.

goodbye.my.lover

my comp has a fucking virus.

wad poor luck. it was all due to me having to crack my fucking dreamweaver for WP

ok. dun tlak abt the F's. u dunno how i feel abt the comp man.

now everytime i start up it pops porn

been scanning for 2 hours. no point.

it will just pop and reinstall itself everytime it starts up

HOW TO FORMAT. NBCB.

>.< show me the munny!

randomised topic.

haven blogged for days!

busy with work. most of them have been completed finally.. IDEAS, IPRA. left with WP, DRAMA.

argh. my econs. severe danger.

considering how i score rite.. first test was 20%, second test was 15%. first test i scored 11%, second test i scored 8%. that leaves me with 19/100 now. the exam is 50% worth.. peer marks... 12%.. online forum 3%. i suspect my peer marks to be quite jialat.. so estimate it out of 12 i get.. around 5%?(i never answered a question in her tutorial. maybe next week score brownie points.) online forum.. about 2%.. which means.. what i havenow will be.. 26/100. which means to pass this module.. for hte exam.. i need to just pass to pass.

but obviously i dun aim that low la! i know i cannot understand econs AT ALL. (grace says that the truth is that nobody understands, and econs is really a memory game.) but still.. to be a safe scorei wanan score like 30/50 - 35/50(seems impossible.. but what to do... shoot for the moon, land on the stars). then it can gain a safe 1.5 grade for it. 4 X 1.5 is 6 credit ponts. it will be as good as FOM wad.. (6 X 1 = 6 credit points).

PLEASE LAND.. 2.5 GPA.

my best bets now are also.. IPRA.. who has an A backing. 4 X 4 is really great. IDEAS..2 X 4.. WP.. i rather not talk abt it.. NW.. i tink 4 X 2. no choice mah. best is to get 4 X 2.5.

DVPA.. :'( 4 X 3... or better.. 4 X 3.5

argh. will 2.5 ever come, considering last sem?

you fucked up my life.

to make me feel better? wad sort of lameass excuse is that!
i have only been the fool from the start, being puppetted and played around all in the heart.
dun say i dun understand. whos the one that doesnt?
stop making urself look so good.

you knew it was an illusion you were creating didn't you?
thanks a lot, you fucked up my life.
i dun see a need to show compassion to ppl anymore since this is the reward i get from you.
well done. brilliant.

you call it being nice?! what lame excuse?!
all the htings i did, was just to get you to be nice?! NICE?!
it aint a crime to be nice.
it is a crime to play with a heart.

fuck this world. taste your own medicine.
i dun need your sorrys! As if it will mend anything!
Bottom of the abyss, what can i do now?!
what can you even do with a sorry?

everyone, i thank you all.
showed me the light.
i was foolish, never accepted it.
and now, i regret ur wisdom.

i would have rather not chosen to burn
why? must it lead to this?
do you think i even enjoy this?
oh my, wad a life you've destroyed.

----

im gone already. this is the end result. im sorry.

i awake to find no peace of mind.

i need to discipline myself to save money. stop spending. money shld be used properly. shall eat less, exercise more. and the thing is, if i have planned my money properly, i would have even more money technically!

ok. so the next thing i wanna chiong is for new clothes or wadever. ps2.. why did u forsake me?!
in any case i need to save la. WANTS can go later. these are NEEDS tt i need to settle.

"i'll never be alright.. its just a great big lie."