i'm always the only one left alone.

in e end, all that was left around me was just a dust bowl of emptiness.

i'd rather not change my style of communication, though tt is the reason why im put to be alone.

this coldness and darkness starts to get VERY IRRITATING. i can't say im used to loneliness. this feeling sux.

my insecurities match up to a 100, because i lock my own world out to other ppl, while from inside i always seek to improve smth which i wouldnt tell ppl abt.

wad am i actually tlaking abt?! i feel so bloody stressed..

although a valuable lesson learnt, my mind continues to self destruct.

rage and fear.

ok am blogging from junwei's.

today's 3 sets of visits... first to pastor kc, den to pastor geoff, den to my grandmother's. intake is still bad.

yawn. gimme money.

shall i reap money from fren's hse..

HELLO PPL GONGXI GONGXI let me go ur hse bai nian. haha

if i ever feel better

how the fuck do i clear the blogger bar?!

anyway i have returned early today, from chinese new year. yuppie, intake is not good at all.

but i guess its one of those fruitful moments getting together wif the cousins and just chatting. i rather not stay in a corner and not talk. haha my generation, there are only 3 of us, the two of them are siblings, so we kinda grew up tgt. haha

as i look at the kids now rite.. im already an "uncle" of sorts. my cousin is younger than my nephew. tsk.

ok. tmr is visit set 2. more angpaos, roll in the cash and dough.

i tink, im snapping.

happy new year! now show me the money.

ok, cant.

cos no money to get due to granddad's passing.

argh. how unfortunate.

i meant his passing.

:)

mood: i feel fucking confused!?

mend the roof while the sun is shining

lalala.

tis is one of those blog entries i dunno wad to blog abt.

i heard tt my blog posts are ridiculously sad. pathetic? i tink so too.

but yet i cant help feeling tt way.

as MEMORY continues to ring, i feel worse and worse.

damn that song!

i tink its cos it meant too much to me.

there is not enuff time to let everyone have.

if i leave den we dun stop leaving alone.

yes im finally done wif dvpa! WOW! yippee! whoopee doo!

we started at ard 330, and we finished at 9 now u can imagine how tired i am.

we had to go all the way to east coast. im dead tired. travelling is a bitch. but it was nevertheless a fun experience we had. haha.

but... east coast sux for a reason. its a place of nostalgia. reeks of it all the way. the memory is there.

i took a shot at that exact shelter.
MOMO
i walked the exact path.
MOMO
this time i was alone.

and it makes me feel awful. im reaching a stage of "can't", something that is weak.

i.. really dunno wad to do anymore.

one last breath.

old songs are great to practice on.

tmr im going to east coast to do filming. wow. the story is not bad, the tragic romance. i would really love to execute it into a film version. wow. really fun indeed.

no im not being sarcastic. haha in fact im really interested. already simulated a couple of scenes for it already. im no director, but i guess its fun to dream from the current position im at(that is, technical producer. classmates, read the brief then comment.. lol)

ok. strumming has to be done so much. barring practices.. i need to train up and reach a new level of guitar. im not near anywhere yet. 4 months left to attain classical mastery, near perfect ear training.

everytime i hold a guitar i ask myself a question.. that is the favourite question of the guitar... why am i playing it? technically there shldnt be a reason for it anymore. i dun tink the obsession wif music is strong enuff to own me to go thru. i liked music in e past, but only picked up guitar 4 years later.

i have a nasty habit of seeing everything so competitively. must be my parents, keep driving me to this breach. haha no la, there are hellishly a lot more factors. i guess of course, it has to do with self esteem. this motto of, "wad i do not have, i replace wif another" habit sux.

i tink my gpa dream is getting further away. haiz. lusia said i didnt do too well for econs. im so bloody discouraged. i wanna score well.. but i cant understand a shit of econs. dun talk abt ipra, tt module.. well.. i dunno how to go thru an exam.

EXAM SCHEDULE
22-2 FUNE (econs)
28-2 IPRA

argh. the heat from this. its killing me. i hav bloody voices screaming in my head telling me if i dun get GPA 3 by graduation, im in trouble. hell, 2.1 now is such a dnager zone. arhg. i better start wif 2.5 first.

i guess its a key reason tts making me stressed and depressed. i dunno why.. this horrible feeling eats into me. playing doesnt relieve anything! it haunts me. i tink its the comp... i use it, and im reminded of work. my "my documents" folder has a lot of work. geez.. looking at it is horrible feeling.

i want ps2 to be back in action.. i wanna race again in xbox.. but even so. i guess it doesnt solve much eh...

lets not let old habits and problems return. i feel alone in what i do. i guess its a feeling im used to.

wanted all... with no sacrifice!

am sick today.

ridiculous sorethroat.. once again, the doctor overprescribes the amt of medicine. my bad habit of not completing the course returns.






scary shit! warning letter for ECONS and IVP. ok la. ECONS i understand cos ive been almost late too often. plus missed lectures and all tt. IVP.. shld be also due to accumulated lates. 3 late is equal one absent. tsk tsk.

i dun tink i can pon anything liao.

funny thing is ipra warning nv came. why? i shld be in danger for ipra leh.

anyway.. in a sort of weird mood... what is wrong..

"dun wanna hear about it... every single one has a story to tell."

all my dreams are falling down.

ECORNS.. was blessed. haha it was ok.

UNLIKE FLASH. IT WAS HELL!

i guess i have been kinda tired all this while. overly tired. i kinda too stressed i tink.

sad too. i dunno why?

anyway compiled a list of must-dos this year.

1)TITHE=$300... from April 05 to Jan 06
2)Spending plan: $45 a week. NO WITHDRAWALS.
3)Driving licence
4)GPA 2.5 by end of year 1. latest yr2sem1.

got alot more. i cant rmb. haha

i seem overly tired. haiz maybe its just mental drain.

i dun wanna die... but i aint keen on living either.

im soooo tired.

ok today was kinda late for service, reached at 11. but hey, they were only into WORSHIP mode only. wow. then the normal procedure.. the sermon and all that.

then pastor david started talking to us. i begin to find his talks very... interesting. i admit, i cant seem to remember much of it, but it strikes aplenty. maybe in a ear and out the other. but i tink its way better than sleeping. tts a real powerful speech from someone really powerful.

den registered lunch wif another interesting name.. last week was XMEN.. this week was FANTASTIC 4. haha lame. den went ofr basketball for awhile and jamming.

the thing is tt jon lent me his amp. wow. thanks. but the thing is freaking 18kg. carry for half aday. WAH.. its hell. he doesnt have a cable, so i need to get one, den it will be BASS practice.

i am ok with bass actually, since no one really is interested to play other than me.. den ok la no choice. but i dun really feel wif electric guitar also. sound nice, play not nice, no shiok.

ok. econs tmr. i did a bit of studying today while they were playing basketball. sat down and study. PRAY LORD! PRAY!

flash can DIE....

back to the disaster.

i need self esteem.

i need help for econs test

i need help wif mac flash.

i need (von guess this! haha)

i need to upgrade guitar skills.

i need to get ready to sleep.

help me define the need and wants. no dun ask abt the censored so obviously. haha

'cause you and i both know.

open house was so fun. haha no i didnt mean the part where u get to skip lessons la. haha anyway was fun meeting new ppl who were interested in dmc, and really could sell it to them. PITY! that i got a morning shift, and by the time it was afternoon, there were plenty of meimeis to see ard. ARGH! hahah (IM NOT SHALLOW MM'KAY!)

another lousy week past. wah kao spent so much on the bloody econs notes. but hey, i printed jessica's notes. i bound to score liao.. wahahaha..

anyway.. awfully bored. i feel like taking part in something like music revive again. nostalgic, rapping of the past. ARGH. i wanna do BEASTIE BOYS style. hahah its much more fun...

den again, maybe it aint such a wise idea. perhaps go into band mode where play instruments? also not so well either. i level not high enuff, guitar sharingan still not power enuff. sian.

argh. its time like this i really need a special person to be there for me.

i dun have anybody special in mind! it makes it worse. more like i cant have anybody special. no one is special.

BORED BORED BORED.

letter to God.

----------
Dear God, i have many things to tell you. no, i shall not begin with my problems and all that, in fact, i just wanna begin by thanking You so much for seeing me thru all my trials and tribulations. although i have constantly been a bad child of Yours, and continue to dwell within my sinful nature, You have still shown me all the love and care for me.

Maybe its just me, because i keep walking this wrong path. but i wanna get out of this. i wanna just be forgiven all over again, and change for You. You arent anybody, You are God, and You did send Jesus to die on a cross. that is something so remarkable.

It is really taking You for granted if i keep going to You and the first thing i do is to pray for myself. I dun feel right anymore. in fact, i feel i shldnt depend on You like tt. its so weird. You are a God but there is something beyond that, the fact that I as a Christian has sayed before, that I really appreciate You Lord, and so You are someone very important to me. It is not ethical to go to someone important to you all the time and just flood them with your problems. i learnt that the hard way. i in fact wanna learn to appreciate people like tt. and i REALLY appreciate You Lord.

But nevertheless i cant deny that i have prayer requests although i must firstly begin with a thanksgiving, saying upon how Gracious You have been to me, seeing me through and letting me survive all this sort of obstacles. it is small fry, i know.. but the fact that is revealed is that i am WEAK. and i cannt live without Your Guidance. i thank You alot for blessing me with very good frens, people who i can really relate to and have been awesome pillars of strengths. There are my guys in church, who always have been there, and also my classmates in school. i thank You for them.

I pray for myself importantly so that i can renew this relationship with You. I cannt let myself fall anymore. It is only time wasted. Let me be an effective vessel to exhibit Your Greatness. I also pray for myself to have clearer focus. Not just upon You, but also on the mroe important things in my life. My studies will be an example.

With focus in there, i feel it will make me a better person. let me be a better person to my frens as well.

I also wanna pray for my own family; i thank You for putting me in such a fortunate and blessed family. will You ever be so gracious again Lord, so that You will bind them tightly more than ever. I myself cannot do much, but I wanna do as much as i can, through Your Guidance. let me be a proof of Your Work in me.

Lastly, as many people will be unhappy with me perhaps, but Lord, i will continue to ask of You to even take care of MOMO. Indeed, i have made my share of mistakes, and i will ask of Your Forgiveness. Please take care of her and continue to guide her along in You.

Thank You Lord. In Jesus' Name,
Amen

Eugene.
----------

For the non-christians, please dun read this as a matter of exhibiting my christianity, or a form of "brainwash". in fact my post should begin here. this is first of a kind, its actually my prayer. i feel i cant express myself anymore, so tis is simply a way of expressing myself in textual manners.

yes, im super unorthodox. i swear way too much, but i wanna learn to change. its not a good habit.

support me frens, i do list down my struggles here. (:

maybe i don't really wanna know.

gawd.. awful feeling.

i've been spammed by the devil with bad dreams. go away.

let me have a peaceful sleep. dun use such evil on me, it will spoil my soul.

and where is my econs book!? ()_!@#&*(%#!@&!&@#^^&%#^*&!@!(#. deep trouble. where is it! anyway i need to go upgrade guitar skills. need to steam it up...

restlessness. is that a cause of problems? well. restlessness has its own problems.

refer to MEMORY again.

Memory by Sugarcult

"Memory"

This may never start.
We could fall apart.
And I'd be your memory.
Lost your sense of fear.
Feelings insincere.
Can I be your memory?

So get back, back, back to where we lasted.
Just like I imagine.
I could never feel this way.
So get back, back, back to the disaster.
My heart's beating faster.
Holding on to feel the same.

This may never start.
I'll tear us apart.
Can I be your enemy?
Losing half a year.
Waiting for you here
I'd be your anything.

So get back, back, back to where we lasted.
Just like I imagine.
I could never feel this way.
So get back, back, back to the disaster.
My heart's beating faster.
Holding on to feel the same.

This may never start.
Tearing out my heart.
I'd be your memory.
Lost your sense of fear.
(I'd be your memory)
Feelings insincere.
Can I be your memory?

So get back, back, back to where we lasted.
Just like I imagine.
I could never feel this way.
So get back, back, back to the disaster.
My heart's beating faster.
Holding on to feel the same.

This may never start.
We could fall apart
And I'd be your memory.
Lost your sense of fear.
Feelings insincere.
Can I be your memory?
Can I be your memory?

---

so unnaturally familiar.

get back to where we started

wad a long day!

im tired. im troubled.

ok. today was spent the normal way. service in church. den we went to play cs at clementi to kill time.. den go long beach restaurant to eat dinner. on junwei. thx man.

den after tt went for jamming. finally bloody seng chai is open! played a few songs. i feel bass better already.

i cant tink of anything else to say. all trapped inside the heart. my throat hurts, bad.

i pray for you. i pray for myself. end of story.

haiz.. pain.

empty & cold

why do you... come to me with that cheery tone.

it is almost the same as last time. the twisting of the heart.

but i thot we were over. quits.

and yet am i suppose to stay ur pillar?

what am i to you?

does this question have multiple answers, which shift according to mood?

u cant expect me to be the same person all the time..

when u tell me ur "struggles", they dun appear that much difficult to me.

perhaps im not understanding enuff.

i have my struggles too. i have my own hell to go thru.

u wouldnt be able to understand.

i wouldnt dare to push u away.

but u haunt me.

evil and a heathen.

what am i to you. please.

i scream for understanding. just from you.

rose.

ok i got tt script from drama. its quite tragic and sad.

story is abt a couple. husband is harry, middle aged, middle classed. wife is a typical wife, name is rose. harry, seems to know wad love is abt, relating to roses and all that.

the sad part begins when they receive the call that ROSE is barren. so sad, after 10 years of marriage and children making attempts, they den know tt she is barren. abit late.

so apparently the call is from the doctor(duh) and rose receive the call. i suppose harry heard the call also la.. den heard ROSE crying inside the room. but he still go and ask rose wad happen. rose also abit rash la.. she sad liao, crying den still scold him what the hell u think!? harry also dumb, go and scold her la, wad problematic uterus and all tt.

so he was kinda apologetic. for 5 days they didnt talk bcos of tt. he also stupid la he, dun wan to go say sorry, but at least he buy roses for her everyday. everyday he just buy a bouquet and put on e table for her. no card or wad la.

on e fifth day, he came into the room to see all the petals of roses ard the bed.. and she was like dead.. for quite some time i tink. most probably tt day in e morning, while he was working.
she most prob died cos she felt like DUI BU QI him tt sort.

how tragic.

well. it has been a long week. wow. indeed.

lemme tell you smth: blogger hates you!

HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?!

NEXT CALLER.

knn. stupid blogger. i hate u.

i am typing credits for dvpa again. yes i muz retype the part abt me being disappointed wif myself cos i know i can do better. cos i screwup a shot abit, there goes my A. crap. i tink it must have been me being so tired. my eyes were watering(no i wasnt crying) b4 i even went in. it was tt cold i tink.

but nth would be possible without my crew. i thank them one by one.

VM: RACHEL. thanks for following my cues well, and pulling off effect 9 in time. sorry if i stressed u up very last min. really sorry for tt, but i still thank you.

CAM 1: VON. thanks ar, u pull shots real well. u caused the good shots to happen, basically u are a very zai lead cameraman. ahha.. thanks, although i panicked u when u had to suddenly zoom out. haha.

CAM2: JESSICA. thanks, u provided the rhythm to camera shots. (all this is guitarist terminology). u provided great two-shots and far shots. basically u and von worked out well as a team.

FM: YINZAI. thanks har.. for excellently cueing them on time and making the show smoothly for me. haha.. the floor wouldnt do well without you.

SOUND: DONG. thanks man, for playing music well and bringing them up on correct volume.. everything sounded right on volume.

CAST: ALWYN AND NISA. an excellent show cannt be without an excellent cast. alwyn for singing excellently(although lipsyncing, but its still way cool) and nisa for bieng such a good host. u guys are so used to ur roles, and its really a good pt, so i thank you all alot for tt.

PA: SUFFY. no, last does nt mean unimportant. haha.. i dunno la, but ur presence was assuring. thanks for being there, and u gave timing cues clearly.. haha thanks alot.

ok. gonna do ivp. i got to dress nicely for presentation tmr, yet i have to go drama.

KNN.

gene out.

you could have it so much better.

argh! i present to u.. my sinus!

so bloody sick now.

ok spare that. tmr is SB day but i have to go earlier anyway for econs. BLOODY MLTs! we students dun like cold! CRAP! i confirm will worsen condition. continuing at this rate im sneezing, im gonna actually faint liao la. argh! den tmr still have DVPA ca. ok. if all goes well.. A is inevitable.. seeing how many times i do liao.. A shld be no kick lor. im not haolian, im confident of my abilities, and i trust my crew. haha. YES its true.

ok. bcos of this stupid sinus.. i dint go bs. kao.

now this feeling of helplessness eats me. better not be like yesterday's sianness. it really sucks.
ok im gonna like list down my target scores for this sem. readers.. please be like my witness.. makes me more accountable. haha

ECONS: B (i tink i can lor. tis is not very difficult.. its just stuff tt i need to read. its not tt many stuff anyway.. basically logic, and i tink i can really score B. no.. i dun wanna be so overconfident, but yea. B is good.)

IPRA: B (ok, i dunno how andrew ang marks, nor how the paper will be set, but i tink tis terminologies arent tt difficult, and are still manageable. same as econs, 4 hour module, so i better score well)

DVPA: A (im not kidding. this is like one of the more motivating modules, and i tink its smth which has been listed in my forte for a long time. its really time to get this module into DISTINCTION section)

NW: C+ or B (the tests i haven been doing really well, but its smth i feel manageable. i cannt stress how lazy i am.. im fully aware of the potential i have, but if i carry on sloth, its a repeat of sem 1. i dun wanna waste another one)

basically above are all the 4 hour modules.. heaviest of the sems. next up, the lighter ones.

(2hr)IDEAS: B+ (this module has been smooth going wif all our presentations. so if i continue on, it shld be ok lor)

(3hr)WP: C+ or B( God help me on this one. difficult html and also Flash. if i can pull this one off.. im really happy.)

(3hr)IVP: C+ (i have never been good at such stuff.. but its a challenge(not sherlin, the module la) and i tink thru slowly i will be able to pull thru.

(2hr)DRAMA: C+ (need i say more? ever since joining this course, im not cut out for upstage. im a back person, so yea, i shld try my best.)

i dun wanna aim anything C. i wanna get a GPA 3 la by end of POLY. at least 3. but best is get like 3.3 or wad. no not aiming for 3.5. the day i get 4.. is when gene is no longer gene. i shld aim, but yea.. its gonna take a long while. at least hit 3 first den talk la.

guys, be my witnesses. (:

dreaming on

ok.. there are 2 plans for future.. one is called the japanese dream car.. the other is the european dream car.



SUBARU IMPREZA WRX STi.
at the market now.. i heard it costs abt $119,000. OK... expensive. hey its a dream. but at least this is much achievable compared to...



LAMBORGHINI GALLARDO.
i don't know how many times i emphasised on this car.. but THIS IS JUST TOO NICE!! ARGH! and honestly, this car... i really like it! not practical.. but who cares!

dun ask price man.. dun ask price.

WAKE UP. get the results, money. den dream later. (SCHIZO-realitycheck.)

the closest to heaven that i'll ever be.

what is this weird feeling that's keeping me awake???

i don't wanna go to sleep right now.

i don't wanna play xbox either. i completed ninja gaiden black on normal. but i dun feel like going for hard. i know i planned to, but right now.. this weird feeling overwrites.

what is holding me now?

blogskin changed

happy???

ok. this is not confirmed. may change. i dun really like such a complete anime-based skin.
at least its easier to navigate now rite. i wanna change to some lamborghini skin.

in school now. later.

i question my meaning.

rain. horrid rain. continual rain.

overslept cos the sky was so dark and i seriously thought it was still 9am. but only to realise it was 11 already. stupid phone dieded on me even.. i had to charge it and see the shocking time. argh.

this week will pass faster i guess. maybe i will score well for dvpa. I MUST!

and for the title meaning.. leave it at that.

and still those voices seem so far away.

perhaps life will seem much different.

ok do i feel this sudden feeling of nothing to do? not yet actually. i still got drama report to write. but for the most part we are done.

i missed my dvpa turn today. which means sat makeup class i do double work. wow.

LATEST NEWS: i just heard that simone(drama teacher) is hospitalised? does tt mean tmr is cancelled? keep my fingers crossed.

eh guys.. is the skin so lame. haiz. i cant find a nicer one though. i need codes to make a background behind the texts..

sian.

of horrors and tragedies.

like the blogskin? i took from blogskin.com problem lies with u typing blog and it throws you to the last post. i tink i change la. one post on one page. the rest u just archive lor.

wow.

two days of sch has just passed. but i feel the guilt.

tues i didnt go ipra lecture. u know how my attendance is f-ed on that.

i just didnt go sch today somemore. well done.

at least yesterday i felt like i accomplished quite a bit. on the fun part, i completed need for speed most wanted! like finally. hahah... damn, no more car fetish. also completed WP. i tell u.. its a bitch to do. yupyup.

but shall not blog on such irrelevant stuffs. ppl say my blog must talk abit more interesting. so ok, lemme start off..

poor logan is sick. keeps shitting.. wads more LS. i have the "honour" of cleaning up. ytd he shat on my room floor.. lucky i good mood.. i was like.. argh. logan u shat here.. go outside. zzz sian la. so i clean up la. at least still solid enuff..

today was a bit worse. come home then see that he had puked AND LS-ed. now this time its completely liquid already. sunk into his carpet. crap. i had to first deal wif him.. wipe his paws and his beard of puke.. then deal with the rest. TRUST me. when u smell the puke u can feel ur body wan to regurgitate. i was like COUGHING already, so i had to mask my mouth with my shirt and clear the puke.

dun talk abt the shit. its just crazy. i had to wash dunno how many cloths on it. luckily disposable. bloody hell. too soft la! SHIT! after tt mop the areas lor.. and wah. my shirt reeked. so i had to wash it. tiring la.

oh well. wad a new year spent.

oh yea. now tt MOMO and i are talking normally as frens, her personality doesnt change much. she still like treat me as a (whatsthatword)...erm.. like.. if she need me, im there.. when she doesnt im not there. tt sort of thing. but hey. at least no status. i see it like differently, and definitely not so affected.

i look forward to gaining much more wisdom in dealing wif such emotional affairs. and of course, wisdom is the key to success.. so it requires me to build up attitude and character la. also self-esteem.. which i seem to lack..

it is bad. my self-esteem is such a poor thing. i dunno how to explain la. where m i channeling all this self-esteem to? where does it credit?

when i gain that wisdom and intellect, i will know. den security will take over. i wanna trust God who is in control. everytime. in fact, bcos He is in control, i should not doubt. sometimes i doubt cos i dun feel secure. damn. im sorry.

take my life and mould into something useful. one day, my wisdom shall inspire many, but tt is not the motivation. make my wisdom useful to me as well.

IT IS COLD.

rooster.

im tired of staring at the sun.

ok. second day of new year. all right.. i will not go into crap like "I DONT WANNA GO SCHOOL!" in fact, why not? go school la. hahah

im actually serious leh. i wanna finish up this year quick. i wanna be 18 and get my driving licence. give me a licence, pronto!

this morning started out bad, in a sense nobody actually woke me up to send my sister home. only woke up when they came home. what the heck. the time they came home was.. 1pm. ok u all can start throwing things at me now.

so i did my DVPA work today( last things must be left for last. i came up wif that? nono that shld not be e case). and raced(again). im finally blacklist #2... new car..

MERCEDES-BENZ SLR MCLAREN. acceleration is VERY good. trust me on this. its even better than lamborghini murcielago. weakness... TOP SPEED. it sure can accelerate, but when it comes to straight roads, this thing wont last long. but for the most part of twists and turns, its good.

my car is very plain. nv zhng until too extreme. no spoiler.. just one body kit, and basic paint. tts all. i tink MERCEDES is a sort of brand where no one actually shld put stickers la. MERCEDES leh. ah pek car. but Mclaren is not ah pek car. ah pek sit will die. too fast.

anyway. enuff games for now. im waiting to spend the last day of holiday well. got any suggestions?

was also thinking of changing blogskin, but its a hassle la. i tink simplicity still is good. haha.

sad old year, happy new year: the conclusion of MOMO.

we look at 2005 tragically. but its gone.
welcome 2006! may you not screw up like ur predecessors.

ok, heading is what you guys will be reading for. so lets go straight in after i talk in chronologically.

went out wif yin von cher and her les gf(ahem) to see fireworks for the new year counting down. we headed to the COFFEE CLUB to have our dinner.. food was great and refreshing. awesome. den went to walk ard the town and slacked.. until highlight of the night, fireworks. on our time passing, we passed by the magnificent FULLERTON HOTEL, and i love cars! ok la, a bit sad la. no lamborghini. u know im a lamborghini-maniac. bt i will settle for less(or more, whichever applicable). ahha.. fullerton has a wide range of cars which i took photos with. start out with..MERCEDES BENZ CLS500, although doesnt seem to sound expensive, but my opinion is that a nice merc car has its badge not suspended(with the exception of merc vans la.). that one nth special. after tt it was Porsche Carrera S. very nice car, very low suspension.. i like~. den there was BMW Z4 Convertible. whoa. nice one again. hahah but i still wan my gallardo.

den yea. fireworks. (yes highlight coming) i called her to wish her happy new year. what a year it will have been. we talked a bit on hp la, but i tink we didnt make much progress.. only left me more frustrated. so went home to call her. yin and von kept saying "ai zai." i muz have looked so black. haha. had to wait even for her to be ready to be called. im seriously such a pushover huh? but anyway yea. just waited.

the conclusion was that yea.. she still has feelings. she aint remorseless at least. she just feels very confused about how to show it. it was when i came to realise what i needed to do.. ive been quite foolish la. i really forgot abt her own fear of church also la. stupid la.

it was by examples she saw that scared her. and stupid me had to even push her to corners. i guess it was useless if we carried on. i concluded this way... we will just move on with life. we will just accept the fact we liked each other, but we just arent matchable(shan hu hai???) and yea. that will have to be the solution. i break free myself. cos i start it, i end it.

she was reluctant(sincere or not, that's not our biz anymore la) to let me go with this decision. i just had to ask her la, "u got any ideas then?" she keep quiet. of course. she ask me then what happens to me. what happens to me? what do you guys think?

actually, nothing changes. in this whole thing. i lost much. but making such a decision.. i lose less.

its a sore lose-lose situation. pick the better loss. i guess the best way we will conclude is this. we move on with life.. we accept the fact we liekd eache other, but never worked out, and maybe in e future if we ever still like each other, we perhaps try again at a more mature level, but no promises. its a completely fair way to her la. she feels its unfair to me. no la, at this level i care less. its better that way la. i got brain one k. just nv used it. its almost brand new.

so.. who wins?

its clear isnt it.

nobody.
at this rate i move on wif my own life la. but right now i tink i just wanna shut my door and talk wif God. put myself right before Him. if i dont do that, im not right before man themselves.

thank you for a wonderful 2005. i give thanks for it.